THE QUANTUM INTELLIGENCER

When Mr. Google's diabolical 105-spindle Willow Engine threatened to dissolve the very fabric of Lombard Street, whereupon traditional banking houses quaked like autumn leaves, thereupon arose the miraculous ZANZIBAR CRYPTO-PECTORAL! This sovereign preparation acts directly upon the Ætheric Cipher-plexus (newly discovered by Professor von Stroheim of the Carlsbad Monetary Observatory), whereby the monetary humours are fortified against quantum perturbations. Through a marvellous process of alchemical encryption, it re-knits the fiduciary sinews that bind specie to substance, thus rendering banknotes impervious to spectral evaporation. Endorsed by the Constantinople Bimetallic Institute, where Dr. Absalom Faraday (late of the Bengal Presidency) proved its efficacy upon Satoshi-era bullion. Mrs. Portia Featherstonehaugh of Belgrave Square writes: "After my husband's investments began shimmering like heat-haze, three drops preserved our entire fortune from vaporous dissolution!" [Guaranteed by the Indemnity & Assurance Corporation to prevent quantum dissolution or 500 sovereigns refunded] Price 17s 6d per phial, or 2½ guineas the dozen. Sole agents: Messrs. Cribb & Blackwood, 13½ Threadneedle Street, London. Telegraphic orders receive immediate attention. —Ada H. Pemberley Dispatch from The Prepared E0